Sunday, September 28, 2014

There is Nothing Wrong with Me

When I was a small child, I never questioned whether there was anything wrong with me. I knew it. I was stubborn, slow, talkative, lazy... and these were wrong and and since I was these things, something was wrong with me.

As I aged, the message became increasingly more clear. It was my fault when bad things happened; sometimes even things I didn't do. Clearly I was very flawed. Something was wrong with me. Then, I added stupid and ugly to my long list of faults... to the ever growing list of what was wrong with me. I worked really hard and even got to add easy (although I'm not sure my parents were aware of that one) to the list of what was wrong with me. Most importantly, I was stupid. That was universally accepted as was, ironically, the fact that I had such potential (which, of course, I wasn't living up to).

I didn't want to be beaten and yelled at and I thought, in a tiny part of my mind that wasn't smudged up with slimy wrongness, I had a right not to be.

As an adult (legally anyway), I knew there was something wrong with me because I couldn't be Martha Stewart and motivated and cheerful and happy and eventually, pregnant.  I could not believe what others believed I could not agree with my husband's politics. I could not dress or act like a proper wife.

For years, I tried to fix what was wrong with me. I even tried to fix not being able to get pregnant. None of what I did worked.  Then, I realized something.

There is actually nothing wrong with me at all. Nothing. I was and still am, exactly what I am supposed to be. It was not easy to figure out and I had to learn it for myself because I could not hear it when someone else said it and it took me a very long time too.

I'm not broken because I have a strong will, am methodical, outspoken, sexually liberated, a nurturer with no human children, unable to force a marriage to work, sad sometimes, and don't like to wear makeup. I'm not broken because I choose to be childless. I'm not flawed for not believing what you believe.

I am a complete, slightly irregular, and yet perfect human being and there is nothing wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you either.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Who You Callin' a Witch?

Smoothing ointment on my new tattoo this morning because it felt a bit raw and also needed protecting, I was looking in the mirror at what I was doing and a thought popped into my head seemingly out of nowhere. "This is why I am a witch." 

I have considered myself a sort of Hedge or Kitchen Witch for a long time but I felt kind of bad because I'm not big into spells and calling on goddesses and that seemed very "unwitchy". I'm actually more of an atheist if you want to know the truth. I'm not really superstitious but I do like to study them and understand why some superstitions exist (some evolved out of very real and practical necessity - Standing a broom on it's bristles doesn't really spill the luck out but it sure does cause the bristles to bend and make it less usable over time). I like rituals because they help shape thoughts and mindsets for the one(s) doing them. They help me empower myself to think more positively and to act in ways that are more compassionate and loving. I'm not a witch because of a pointy hat or pentacle or because I talk to plants, and the Moon, and my pets, and the Sun. 

I'm not a witch because I meet in circles with my sisters and perform rituals. I am a witch because I trust my wisdom and the wisdom of my sisters to guide me to solutions that are more in harmony with nature than the profit/loss goals of Pfiser or Glaxo-Welcome. I am a witch because messing with the normal evolutionary process of plant breeding by creating a something that would not under any other natural process ever come into being seems really really wrong for all kinds of reasons. I'm a witch because I show my love for my sisters and family with a big pot of stew or something else I have made with my own hands and not things I spent way too much money on from a store. I'm a witch because I constantly strive to know more and learn more and I can't stop myself from passing on what I know to anyone who seems to need the information or asks me a question. I'm a witch because I study goddesses because they tell me about my nature and help me see aspects of myself I'd like to develop and express and because they help me see what I am not happy with and need to work on.

 I'm not a witch because of a costume or superstition or ancestry or any other stereotype and I'm not any less of one because I don't own any eye of newt or believe for a minute I can hex someone. I'm a witch the same way I'm a woman, stout, curvy, olive skinned in the Summer, an avid reader, an animal lover and sarcastic. It's my nature.