Normally, I am quite loquacious. I enjoy conversation and I consider it a job well done if I can help someone be more cheerful or laugh.
I'm actually an introvert but it's hard to tell due to my temperament type. I am talking about the Myers-Briggs temperament indicator (or Keirsey temperament sorter). I am an INFJ and we are a quirky lot as far as introverts go and we are BIG on conversation where other introverts tend to eschew it entirely. I get it. I'd rather stay at home myself. It's just I talk when I'm in the presence of others. It's hard for me not to.
This presents a kind of issue I'd like to overcome. I'd like to speak more mindfully and spend more time listening. So, I decided to go all Eat Pray Love and have a day of silence. I've noticed others have been doing this to good effect. I'd like to do it every week. Just a day a week.
Well, today was my first silent day. I think it went well and I have some observations.
First, my husband was not as patient as I'd hoped. He said he supported it but I think he was expecting that I just wouldn't talk to everyone ELSE. He got very impatient with me. He didn't like trying to figure out my pantomime and he hated reading little notes. Plus, he squinted a lot. I really think he needs to use readers. (don't tell him I said that, he seems sensitive about it)
Next, I noted that everyone, EVERY SINGLE PERSON, was exceptionally kind to me and understanding of my choice. I even asked a man to help me get a bottle of water out of a cooler at Target since it was on high shelf and way in the back as well. I caught his eye and crooked my finger to call him over and pointed to the water with a plaintive look (I hope) on my face and signaled that I needed two and he reached it right down and I signed "Thank you!" (I took two semesters of American Sign Language in another life long ago.) and he said I was welcome. I also signed/pantomimed to a woman that I liked her ink. It was beautiful. She smiled and said, "thank you" to me.
I found I could convey a lot with just my facial expressions and I also found I needed to convey little else that I actually had to write down.
I noticed things and people I would not normally. I noticed decorative touches I might like to try. I saw all kinds of cool people. I listened. Weren't many people interested in talking to me versus my non-silent outings. Apparently, I initiate a great deal of the conversations I have. I guess I didn't realize that.
Since I am back to talking tomorrow, I think I will try to minimize the extraneous talking and spend as much time listening as I can. I also plan to try hard to stick to what is necessary, truthful, and kind when I do speak... well, aside from pleasantries like "Please." and "Thank you." and maybe "Have a nice day!"
You are probably wondering how well I did with not talking. Did I slip? You bet I did.
Late last night, I found myself talking to myself out loud. Once I realized I was doing it, I focused on not doing it and that seemed to put that to rest. I wasn't very pleased with what I heard myself say to myself. It wasn't very complimentary. I need to work on that. Hard.
After that, the only times I slipped up were talking to my dog about twice in a soft voice (to praise him) and once talking about my dog (Yes, he is a good boy!).
So, basically, I slipped up to put myself down and to praise or speak in praise of my dog. I never even yelled at the cat and she usually makes me want to.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Encroachment
My husband and I are crafters, makers... hands on people.
I do a lot with fabric, paint, concrete, wire and metal (on a very small scale) and sometimes beads. There's other stuff but it's minor in comparison to those.
Hubby does a lot of electronic stuff, works with wood sometimes, and is a great photographer. Oh yeah, and I like photography a lot too. He does a LOT of stuff on his computer and he is nuts about RC aircraft.
We are both introverts and REALLY non-traditional. In fact, he called me a "hippy" once because he considered it a complement.
Why am I telling you this? Well, we have an encroachment issue. Although, I'm not as worried about it as you might think.
Our living room has seating for about 4 or 5 people, theoretically. Realistically, only two people fit comfortably. That's because of all the supplies, and equipment (and the cat and tiny dog).
We used to make fun of how I always had my favorite chair set up as a little craft pod. All around me there are all the things I need to keep me engaged without needing to get up repeatedly. You see, the cat and dog think I am the place to sleep so every time I get up it's a whole thing. Mostly, I keep crayons and sketch pads and things like this close to hand. Plus, always have my chrome book close to hand... and a kindle and a phone.
Then, we set up some bookshelves in the living room too and I stowed a few of my craft supplies there... the ones I use a lot.
There's a small amount of overflow in the guest room but it's mostly just folded dyed fabric awaiting use. Oh wait, then Hubby set up a big workstation in there. Well, can't have that out where the cat can get into it and it's not like we have constant guests, right? Yeah, I mean, it makes sense. Harder to get to the ironing board though...
The dining room already is a craft room. It's mostly mine but we treat it as a communal space since I have a huge cutting mat and lots of nifty cutting and shaping tools and Hubby likes those. Plus, the workbenches make assembly easier. Sometimes it takes a month to get a table saw moved back outside even though it was supposedly just moved in there for the night but whatever.
Then, I turned into a giant harpy and got mad that Hubby didn't spend any time with me when he got home at night since he just went directly to his room to work on his stuff. After he decided that I might have a point, he moved his play desk to the coffee table in the living room. It's the kind that pulls up and forward to make it a good surface to eat on and stuff. Well, it turns out it makes a nice desk too. It's in front of the futon and so Hubby kind of has like the world's largest desk chair now.
I think you can see where this is going. We are gradually turning the house into a giant craft space with a bathrooms, kitchen, and bedrooms. But here's the clincher: I don't care and I'm pretty sure Hubby doesn't either. Oh sure, we beat the chaos back from time to time and the paths between the projects get wider for a bit, but the fact is, we love our multiple craft zone dwelling.
It may not look like your living room but it's our natural habitat.
I do a lot with fabric, paint, concrete, wire and metal (on a very small scale) and sometimes beads. There's other stuff but it's minor in comparison to those.
Hubby does a lot of electronic stuff, works with wood sometimes, and is a great photographer. Oh yeah, and I like photography a lot too. He does a LOT of stuff on his computer and he is nuts about RC aircraft.
We are both introverts and REALLY non-traditional. In fact, he called me a "hippy" once because he considered it a complement.
Why am I telling you this? Well, we have an encroachment issue. Although, I'm not as worried about it as you might think.
Our living room has seating for about 4 or 5 people, theoretically. Realistically, only two people fit comfortably. That's because of all the supplies, and equipment (and the cat and tiny dog).
We used to make fun of how I always had my favorite chair set up as a little craft pod. All around me there are all the things I need to keep me engaged without needing to get up repeatedly. You see, the cat and dog think I am the place to sleep so every time I get up it's a whole thing. Mostly, I keep crayons and sketch pads and things like this close to hand. Plus, always have my chrome book close to hand... and a kindle and a phone.
Then, we set up some bookshelves in the living room too and I stowed a few of my craft supplies there... the ones I use a lot.
There's a small amount of overflow in the guest room but it's mostly just folded dyed fabric awaiting use. Oh wait, then Hubby set up a big workstation in there. Well, can't have that out where the cat can get into it and it's not like we have constant guests, right? Yeah, I mean, it makes sense. Harder to get to the ironing board though...
The dining room already is a craft room. It's mostly mine but we treat it as a communal space since I have a huge cutting mat and lots of nifty cutting and shaping tools and Hubby likes those. Plus, the workbenches make assembly easier. Sometimes it takes a month to get a table saw moved back outside even though it was supposedly just moved in there for the night but whatever.
Then, I turned into a giant harpy and got mad that Hubby didn't spend any time with me when he got home at night since he just went directly to his room to work on his stuff. After he decided that I might have a point, he moved his play desk to the coffee table in the living room. It's the kind that pulls up and forward to make it a good surface to eat on and stuff. Well, it turns out it makes a nice desk too. It's in front of the futon and so Hubby kind of has like the world's largest desk chair now.
I think you can see where this is going. We are gradually turning the house into a giant craft space with a bathrooms, kitchen, and bedrooms. But here's the clincher: I don't care and I'm pretty sure Hubby doesn't either. Oh sure, we beat the chaos back from time to time and the paths between the projects get wider for a bit, but the fact is, we love our multiple craft zone dwelling.
It may not look like your living room but it's our natural habitat.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Divorce
I think we've been making it much more likely for our kids to end up divorced.
Now, bear in mind I have no children. I say what I say purely as an observer and survivor of divorce. I freely acknowledge that what I am about to say does not apply to all divorces and certainly there are many reasons for getting a divorce, not all equally valid or wise.
When I got married, I was 21 years old. People said we were too young. I don't think that 21 is necessarily too young to be married but I think I was too young and so was my mate. What I mean by young is, we didn't have any idea how to be independent people yet.
I don't think we teach our children how to be whole people. I don't think we do it to be mean and I don't think we do it consciously either but we do it nonetheless. What I mean is, we teach our children only half or less than half of what they need to be independent and autonomous adults. We rarely teach male children to do more than follow the directions on a box to "cook" for themselves, or to put the laundry in the hamper, or to keep their feet off of the coffee table etc. in terms of maintaining a home. We seldom teach female children how to budget or to help maintain their own vehicles or negotiate with moving companies, or fire a gun or read a map (or use a GPS). This is, I think, is a large part of why many young people get married and/or end up divorced. They need the other half of the knowledge and skills to function as a whole person today so they marry the other half.
That's fine if that's all you really want to be to someone; if you want to do the laundry and dishes and cook and tell them to take out the trash and fix your car and handle the money. It's dandy if all you want in a mate is someone who will tidy up after you and sub in for your Mom by telling you to put your clothes in the hamper and nag you to take out the trash and have you fix her car. We sometimes think that's what we want because that's what many of our parents had.
It's when we realize that we don't have much in common aside from our mutual needs for care and maintenance that it all goes south. We start realizing that our mate takes us for granted; that we just expect that clean clothes magically show up, that hubby will take the car for maintenance when it's due, that you have only to show up in the kitchen with an appetite to be fed, or that every time you go to buy groceries, the money will be there because someone always balances the budget.
I think, if we just start teaching our children not to NEED someone else to fill those rolls in their lives for them, they will look for someone who fills a bigger roll instead and that they will make better choices not based on subconscious desperation and a car making a funny noise and pink "tighty whities".
Yes, I think the majority of us do want and need a mate of one sort or another to be completely content but I think maybe if we stopped handicapping our children, they could choose that person more wisely in the fullness of time.
Now, bear in mind I have no children. I say what I say purely as an observer and survivor of divorce. I freely acknowledge that what I am about to say does not apply to all divorces and certainly there are many reasons for getting a divorce, not all equally valid or wise.
When I got married, I was 21 years old. People said we were too young. I don't think that 21 is necessarily too young to be married but I think I was too young and so was my mate. What I mean by young is, we didn't have any idea how to be independent people yet.
I don't think we teach our children how to be whole people. I don't think we do it to be mean and I don't think we do it consciously either but we do it nonetheless. What I mean is, we teach our children only half or less than half of what they need to be independent and autonomous adults. We rarely teach male children to do more than follow the directions on a box to "cook" for themselves, or to put the laundry in the hamper, or to keep their feet off of the coffee table etc. in terms of maintaining a home. We seldom teach female children how to budget or to help maintain their own vehicles or negotiate with moving companies, or fire a gun or read a map (or use a GPS). This is, I think, is a large part of why many young people get married and/or end up divorced. They need the other half of the knowledge and skills to function as a whole person today so they marry the other half.
That's fine if that's all you really want to be to someone; if you want to do the laundry and dishes and cook and tell them to take out the trash and fix your car and handle the money. It's dandy if all you want in a mate is someone who will tidy up after you and sub in for your Mom by telling you to put your clothes in the hamper and nag you to take out the trash and have you fix her car. We sometimes think that's what we want because that's what many of our parents had.
It's when we realize that we don't have much in common aside from our mutual needs for care and maintenance that it all goes south. We start realizing that our mate takes us for granted; that we just expect that clean clothes magically show up, that hubby will take the car for maintenance when it's due, that you have only to show up in the kitchen with an appetite to be fed, or that every time you go to buy groceries, the money will be there because someone always balances the budget.
I think, if we just start teaching our children not to NEED someone else to fill those rolls in their lives for them, they will look for someone who fills a bigger roll instead and that they will make better choices not based on subconscious desperation and a car making a funny noise and pink "tighty whities".
Yes, I think the majority of us do want and need a mate of one sort or another to be completely content but I think maybe if we stopped handicapping our children, they could choose that person more wisely in the fullness of time.
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