Sunday, September 28, 2014

There is Nothing Wrong with Me

When I was a small child, I never questioned whether there was anything wrong with me. I knew it. I was stubborn, slow, talkative, lazy... and these were wrong and and since I was these things, something was wrong with me.

As I aged, the message became increasingly more clear. It was my fault when bad things happened; sometimes even things I didn't do. Clearly I was very flawed. Something was wrong with me. Then, I added stupid and ugly to my long list of faults... to the ever growing list of what was wrong with me. I worked really hard and even got to add easy (although I'm not sure my parents were aware of that one) to the list of what was wrong with me. Most importantly, I was stupid. That was universally accepted as was, ironically, the fact that I had such potential (which, of course, I wasn't living up to).

I didn't want to be beaten and yelled at and I thought, in a tiny part of my mind that wasn't smudged up with slimy wrongness, I had a right not to be.

As an adult (legally anyway), I knew there was something wrong with me because I couldn't be Martha Stewart and motivated and cheerful and happy and eventually, pregnant.  I could not believe what others believed I could not agree with my husband's politics. I could not dress or act like a proper wife.

For years, I tried to fix what was wrong with me. I even tried to fix not being able to get pregnant. None of what I did worked.  Then, I realized something.

There is actually nothing wrong with me at all. Nothing. I was and still am, exactly what I am supposed to be. It was not easy to figure out and I had to learn it for myself because I could not hear it when someone else said it and it took me a very long time too.

I'm not broken because I have a strong will, am methodical, outspoken, sexually liberated, a nurturer with no human children, unable to force a marriage to work, sad sometimes, and don't like to wear makeup. I'm not broken because I choose to be childless. I'm not flawed for not believing what you believe.

I am a complete, slightly irregular, and yet perfect human being and there is nothing wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you either.

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