Some Silent Observations

Normally, I am quite loquacious. I enjoy conversation and I consider it a job well done if I can help someone be more cheerful or laugh.

I'm actually an introvert but it's hard to tell due to my temperament type. I am talking about the Myers-Briggs temperament indicator (or Keirsey temperament sorter). I am an INFJ and we are a quirky lot as far as introverts go and we are BIG on conversation where other introverts tend to eschew it entirely. I get it. I'd rather stay at home myself. It's just I talk when I'm in the presence of others. It's hard for me not to.

This presents a kind of issue I'd like to overcome. I'd like to speak more mindfully and spend more time listening. So, I decided to go all Eat Pray Love and have a day of silence. I've noticed others have been doing this to good effect. I'd like to do it every week. Just a day a week.

Well, today was my first silent day. I think it went well and I have some observations.

First, my husband was not as patient as I'd hoped. He said he supported it but I think he was expecting that I just wouldn't talk to everyone ELSE. He got very impatient with me. He didn't like trying to figure out my pantomime and he hated reading little notes. Plus, he squinted a lot. I really think he needs to use readers. (don't tell him I said that, he seems sensitive about it)

Next, I noted that everyone, EVERY SINGLE PERSON, was exceptionally kind to me and understanding of my choice. I even asked a man to help me get a bottle of water out of a cooler at Target since it was on high shelf and way in the back as well. I caught his eye and crooked my finger to call him over and pointed to the water with a plaintive look (I hope) on my face and signaled that I needed two and he reached it right down and I signed "Thank you!" (I took two semesters of American Sign Language in another life long ago.) and he said I was welcome. I also signed/pantomimed to a woman that I liked her ink. It was beautiful. She smiled and said, "thank you" to me.

I found I could convey a lot with just my facial expressions and I also found I needed to convey little else that I actually had to write down.

I noticed things and people I would not normally. I noticed decorative touches I might like to try. I saw all kinds of cool people. I listened. Weren't many people interested in talking to me versus my non-silent outings. Apparently, I initiate a great deal of the conversations I have. I guess I didn't realize that.

Since I am back to talking tomorrow, I think I will try to minimize the extraneous talking and spend as much time listening as I can. I also plan to try hard to stick to what is necessary, truthful, and kind when I do speak... well, aside from pleasantries like "Please." and "Thank you." and maybe "Have a nice day!"

You are probably wondering how well I did with not talking. Did I slip? You bet I did.

 Late last night, I found myself talking to myself out loud. Once I realized I was doing it, I focused on not doing it and that seemed to put that to rest. I wasn't very pleased with what I heard myself say to myself. It wasn't very complimentary. I need to work on that. Hard.

After that, the only times I slipped up were talking to my dog about twice in a soft voice (to praise him) and once talking about my dog (Yes, he is a good boy!).

So, basically, I slipped up to put myself down and to praise or speak in praise of my dog. I never even yelled at the cat and she usually makes me want to.

That Nice Warm Afterglow

Well, today was 4 weeks and one day. One lunar month since my uterus walked the long walk. Since it tripped the light fantastic. I bid it adieu and it is no more. I am now an altered bitch.

I wondered how much pain and recovery I would really experience after my hysterectomy and I'm pleased to say it has been an almost pleasant experience. Please don't take my experience as the norm though. I think I ended up, for whatever reason, on the top end of the spectrum for what one can expect from the aftermath of such a surgery.

Don't get me wrong. My nursing care was top notch, my doctor is no slouch, and I only had to stay in the hospital overnight. Also, I can't tell you how much it helped my morale that all my friends and family were and continue to be so supportive. All have contributed significantly to my successful and exceptional recovery.

My favorite milestone so far was the 14th of March. That was the first period I would have had after the surgery. I celebrated. I was gleeful. I was practically giddy. Some said I would mourn and should allow my self to mourn my lost organ. I didn't and I don't.

Not everyone goes into this the same way with the same reasons. For some, I can see that mourning is expected or even needed but my uterus has betrayed me at every turn. I am so happy to be free from it's clutches finally. There was nothing at all for me to mourn.

Of course now, when I behave like a hysterical woman, I put the lie to all those old theories about what made women hysterical in the first place.

On the Road to Freedom

Okay, maybe the title of the post is just a little dramatic but it doesn't feel all that dramatic to me.

You see, I've had pain nearly all my life. It's been manageable pain and you kind of get used to it but I am really really tired of it anyway. I have had menstrual cramps and bleeding of increasing severity since the onset of puberty. I told my mom but she was sort of the "suck it up buttercup" mindset and it didn't get any further than that.

When I was in my late 20's I finally had surgery to clean out the scar tissue from years and years of polycystic ovaries. My OB/GYN fertility specialist remarked that he was surprised I wasn't in more pain after my surgery; after seeing just how much scar tissue there was. I asked him what made him think I wasn't; what made him think he even knew how much pain I had experienced.

After that and after coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to have and didn't really want children, I suffered a couple more decades in increasing pain and with an increasing amount of blood loss every month. I was wiped out. I was useless for a good 5 days out of every month. An ablation seemed to help for a few months and then the cramping was back.

It's been a couple of years since that ablation now and, although the bleeding is negligible now it and the cramps are getting worse. The cramps are nearly back to what they were before. I'm still wiped out for about 5 days every month and I'm sick and tired of it all.

I finally have an OB/GYN who agrees that it's time to yank this sucker out. I had my last period this month... ironically it started on Valentines day. In two days, I am scheduled to have a hysterectomy. I'm getting spayed. I could not be happier. I just hope they don't slap me into a cone. That would be so embarrassing.

Incidentally, if you are wondering, a uterus (one that has never carried a child, mind you) weighs anywhere from just less than to just over one pound. You won't reach goal weight having this surgery. Still, leave it to me to be curious about that sort of thing.